The Last Six Minutes Of The Nature Documentary, Where David Attenborough Tells Us The Beautiful Animals We've Just Been Watching Are Dying, And It's All Our Fault


It takes thousands of hours,
untold boxes of Cliff Bars,
an undisclosed number of wet-dreams
in a pup-tent on the soft furry side of a mountain
to get that one perfect shot.
But get them we do.
And for what, so you can 
ooh and aah
while eating BBQ chicken
and then falling asleep
until your television
asks β€œAre You Still Watching?”
Well, it is a good question.
Are you asleep?
Are you still watching?
You do know that the animals
on your infants' onesies
and crib sheets are going the way
of the telegram, don't you?
You understand
that once the ice is gone
say goodbye to
perfectly chilled negronis,
to a little soothing comfort during labour,
to coastal cities and island nations?
You fools
you cephalopods
nature isn't dying
it's simply revising
its target audience.
And in the new series,
there will be no winnowing
down from all that expectant waiting
to that one hyper-edited
moment of animal glory,
no swelling horns
or contemplative strings,
no old British sophisticated me:
it'll be long,
it'll be messy,
it'll be incoherent and deeply, truly unfair,
the ocean (like in all the best episodes)
will be involved,
and, perhaps worst of all,
there will be nowhere left
for you to send the hatemail.


Aaron Kreuter is the author of the short story collection You and Me, Belonging, and the poetry collection Arguments for Lawn Chairs. He lives in Toronto.